If nursing is really for me. It's hard to remember the good days when the bad days stand out so prominently in my mind. I know I've grown as a nurse since I started working in August 2011. My confidence in my skills have far surpassed what I thought I could ever accomplish yet, each day I feel like I take one step forward and two steps back. Three steps back on those days where I do something that makes me question my future as a nurse. It's the tiny things that bog me down. Not calling the doctor about things that I probably should have. Not important things like blood sugars, elevated bp, critical labs, but small things that in retrospect I should have known to call about but didn't even think about. I feel incompetent sometimes. I've been doing this nursing thing for 15 months and yet I still feel like a newbie.
Everyone talks about this miracle 'ah ha' moment after your first year and I have to say I haven't had that moment yet. Sure, I know more about what's going on than the new GEMS on the floor. I know procedures, paperwork, who to call about what (sometimes...). I know how to handle family members to a degree. I've had my fair share of unruly patients and I think I've handled them to the best of my ability. Nursing school doesn't teach you about paperwork, mean doctors, the fact that if anything isn't done by another department it's the nurse's fault. They don't show you the 'mean side' of nursing. I wish they would. I very much doubt students would continue the course if they were repeatedly yelled at my doctors during preceptorship, had to deal with alcoholics hitting them spitting and cursing at them, rude family members who think they deserve all of your attention and who treat you like a waitress rather than a professional.
Had the rose colored glasses of nursing school been taken off prior to my senior year I would have changed majors. Yet, here I am. Stuck in a profession that I'm beginning to hate. I've spent more time looking for a job, any job, to take me away from the hospital or nursing in general. If I had more good days than bad I would like my job. I wouldn't mind waking up and going in to take care of patients. I'd actually enjoy my job. Thing is, I've had more bad days and those days have made me regret wasting 5 years of my life studying late into the night to pass an exam to get into nursing school. It has made me regret walking in the freezing cold to catch a bus to go to class to take classes that would ultimately lead me to where I am now.
Had I known what I know now about nursing I wouldn't have gone down this path. I'd be free of this gray cloud that hovers over my head an hour before I have to go to work. I wouldn't cry every day just thinking about how I absolutely hate taking care of people who don't appreciate it.
Nursing really isn't for me and I think I've finally figured that out. I may return to school to pursue something less stressful. The only thing that's keeping me at my current job is the pay and my coworkers. I didn't have any money before I started working and I'm sure I will find nice coworkers elsewhere.
Nursing isn't meant to for everyone. It's definitely not meant for me. I'm happy to finally admit that.
